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Six Major Myths – The Short Version

by Russell Friedman & John W. James of The Grief Recovery Institute

There are six major myths about grief that are so close to universal that nearly everyone can relate to them. This is true not only for those of us raised and socialized here in America, but for people from different cultures and different languages around the world. Here are the Six Myths of Grief as they appear in The Grief Recovery Handbook and When Children Grieve.

• Don't Feel Bad
• Replace the Loss
• Grieve Alone
• Grief Just Takes Time
• Be Strong - Be Strong For Others
• Keep Busy

When these myths are exposed, most people realize that they’ve been influenced by them most of their lives, but have never taken a critical look at them to see if they are accurate or helpful. While our parents and others may have inadvertently passed on life-limiting rather than life-enhancing information to us on the topic of grief and what to do about, we know that there was no intent to harm us. Over time we will present full-scale articles on each of the six myths. But for now, we want you to have at least an awareness of the six myths so when you see references to them in our other articles, you’ll understand what they mean. The Six Major Myths Are Learned Early In Life A great deal of the information and misinformation we learn in childhood stays with us for the rest of our lives. Nowhere is this more evident—and more unhelpful—than in the area of grief and what to do about it. Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss, but nearly everything we learn about dealing with grief is not normal, not natural, and not helpful. Here are the six most common, unhelpful myths about dealing with loss. We want you to look at them and see if you need to discard them and learn better ways of dealing with your emotions when you are affected by the death of someone meaningful to you. Myth #1 - Don't Feel Bad! [also, Don't Feel Sad! & Don't Be Scared!]

Even though grief and all of the feelings associated with it are normal and natural, children are constantly told not to feel the way they feel. This automatically puts them in conflict with the truth, in conflict with their own nature, and indeed, in conflict with the parents and guardians who are supposed to help them.

To illustrate, we use the story of a child who comes home from pre-school with tears in her eyes. Her mom or dad asks what happened?, and the child responds, “The other little girls were mean to me.” To which the parent says, “Don’t Feel Bad, here have a cookie, you’ll feel better.” In reality, the cookie doesn’t make the child feel better, it makes her feel different. She has merely been distracted from her hurt feelings. And, she has been told by her parents whom she trusts, not to feel bad. She has also been taught that when she feels bad she should medicate herself with a substance, in this case, sugar.

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