Russell Friedman Replies:

Dear Anon,

Thanks for your note and question.

As the parent of a 42 year old, and the step-parent of a 41 year old, I have a sense of how frustrating it is to watch your off-spring struggle in life.

My question to you is this: Has he directly asked you for help in the matter of his grief?

We know that’s a tough question. We also know that at age 40, your son is smart enough to ask for help if he wants it.

If he hasn’t asked you for help or guidance, you might just have to honor that.

However, you are entitled to offer up something personal. For example, you could say, “I’ve been having a hard time as you’ve gone through your divorce. I love you and I’m concerned about you. I don’t want to interfere, but I have done some reading, and in the process, discovered that I still have some grief from events in my life—including my divorce from your dad. I’ve been reading a book called The Grief Recovery Handbook and found it really helpful. I’d like to send you a copy…?”

Of course, you can’t do that until or unless you actually start reading The Grief Recovery Handbook. What we recommend is that you read at least the first 58 pages—which is Part One of the book. That is enough to give you the ability to tell the truth about yourself [which is essentially what I wrote for you above]. Telling the truth about yourself is the best way—and maybe the only way—to get people we love to take an action that might help them. If you tell them what you think, feel, or believe about “them,” they usually won’t listen to you, and they will perceive it as “unsolicited advice,” which it is.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell
And
John