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You can be strong, or you can be human, pick one! (Published 10/9/2012)

Dear sirs, I lost lost my husband of 7 years to cancer on March 22, 2011. I’m 50 and he was 59. I did not believe I would ever be a widow at 50. I was divorced 17 years before we met. Will the pain ever go away? How do I move on? I’m usually a strong person but I just don't seem to get out of this emotional mode.

Russell Friedman Replies:

Dear Debbie,

Thanks for your note and questions.

Yes, we’d guess that it’s almost impossible to imagine that you would be a widow at 50—it just doesn’t make sense.

As to your question, will the pain ever go away?

The answer is yes, but not necessarily by itself—since time alone does not heal emotional wounds. It takes actions to complete what the untimely death of your husband left emotionally unfinished for you.

Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and start taking the actions it suggests. As you do that, the pain will diminish and your ability to move forward in your life will return. You will be able to retain fond memories of your relationship with your husband who died.

As to being strong: we give people a choice, you can be strong, or you can be human, pick one! We think that being human and being emotional, especially in light of what happened, not only on March 22, but for the time that he suffered with the cancer.

The “emotional mode” you’re in is the normal and natural reaction to the grief that accompanies the death of someone who was so important to you. Please allow yourself those feelings. They have meaning and value even though they may hurt.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell And John

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Ask John & Russell

You can be strong, or you can be human, pick one! (Published 10/9/2012)

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Ask John & Russell Archives

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When a new loss is imposed on children in order to save their lives (Published 5/7/13)

How can I be happy and sad at the same time? (Published 4/30/2013)

The Pain of Grief Doesn't Have to Be A Permanent Companion

Sometimes the best way to help someone you love, is to help yourself. (Published 4/16/2013)

A broken heart is sometimes about what never got to happen. (Published 4/9/2013)

We were never close, like a mother and daughter should be. (Published 4/2/2013)

When someone we used to be married to dies, we often experience a re-remembering of the entire relationship, the good, the bad, and sometimes, the ugly. (Published 3/26/2013)

We don't believe there's any such thing as "complicated grief." But there is unattended grief that doesn't get better because time can't heal emotional wounds. (Published 3/19/2013)

Adult or child, “In a crisis we go back to old behaviors or old beliefs." Nine year-old reverts to childlike behavior when dad dies. (Published 3/12/2013)

Sadly, it's all too common that we're confronted with family, financial, and property issues that distract us from the real issue—our broken hearts. (Published 3/5/2013)

We don’t like being dishonest about feelings, it doesn’t help anyone. (Published 2/26/2013)

We have hope for you because in spite of your obvious pain and pessimistic view of the future, you have nonetheless reached out for help. (Published 2/19/2013)

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You don’t have the power to make an alcoholic stop drinking, and all the love in the word can’t repair someone else’s mental health. (Published 1/22/2013)

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Do recurring dreams about someone who died represent unresolved grief? (Published 1/1/2013)

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I wasn't raised with my mom, but I did get to spend some time with her after I got out of foster homes. I still feel like there is something missing in my heart. (Published 12/11/2012)

How do I deal with losing them when there was still so much unsaid? (Published 12/4/2012)

Having emotions—including tears—when you look at his picture is not “breaking down.” It is being human and sad and missing someone you love. (Published 11/27/2012)

It's been a year and a half since my wife died and I don't want to face the Holidays. (Published 11/20/2012)

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If you stay focused on this one thing—no matter how big it is to you—you rob yourself of the richness and complexity of the whole relationship over three decades. (Published 11/6/2012)

This is the first Mother's Day that I don't have her. Why is it so hard and painful for me? (Published 10/30/2012)

The actions of completion will not be “letting go” of and losing your friends, instead they will allow you to retain all the fond memories you have of them. (Published 10/23/2012)

"Grief is not so much a disease to be cured, as it is a natural reaction to loss, and the goal should be reconciliation and completion, not avoidance." (Published 10/16/2012)

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Why me? is a pretty logical question in your circumstances, even though there's no real answer. (Published 8/28/2012)

Trying “not” to think about a painful image just doesn’t work. (Published 8/21/2012)

Drugs Overpower A Mother’s Love (Published 8/14/2012)

Families Don't Always Stick Together (Published 8/7/2012)

Make Small And Accurate Comments As Feelings Come Up (Published 7/31/2012)

I’m Scared, And Don’t Want To Do It, But I Will Do It Anyway (Published 7-24-2012)

If You Focus On The Choices You Had to Make Through Your Rear-View Mirror, You Will Only Harm Yourself (Published 7-17-2012)

I Feel I've Lost A Part Of Me (Published 7-10-2012)

There Are Many Death-Related Situations In Which The Human, Emotional Reaction Is To Be Angry At God (Published 7-3-2012)

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Many people get robbed of a funeral and the chance to say "goodbye." Published (6-19-2012)

Grieving people sometimes don't ask for help, and if it's offered, they won’t always take advantage of it. (Published 6-12-2012)

Certain areas of a home—particularly a bedroom or bed, are massive reminders of someone who is no longer alive. (Published 6-5-2012)

We’d guess it's your nature and style to be open and emotive with your feelings. If that's true, we say, YAY! (Published 5-29-2012)

Her possessions represent a tangible link to her and your memory of your life with her. (Published 5-22-2012)

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The reduction of pain does not necessarily mean you're emotionally complete with your friend who died. It may only mean that you're adapting to the loss. (Published 5-8-2012)

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Unsolicited advice is never well-received (Published 4-10-2012)

Self-protective actions vs. intent to harm someone else (Published 4-3-2012)

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In condolences, be careful NOT to say "I Know How You Feel" (Published 3-13-12)

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Anticipatory Grief is not real—it means thinking that you can know what feeling you will have in the future which is not here yet (Published 2-28-12)

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It hurts as bad as it did when it first happened, but when I think of it I get extremely angry. (Published 1-31-12)

I'm getting tired of propping everyone else up. (Published 1-24-12)

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He was not only my father he was my best friend. (Published 1-10-12)

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